i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
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Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
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fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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