I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
