Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
sarcasm needs its own font
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
These tits shall not be calmed
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
