Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
