Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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