I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
