Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
