Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Dating After Heartbreak
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.