Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
