yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
