So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
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You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
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So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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