Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I stole a fireplace last night.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Randomize
