oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
