I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
