I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I was not drunk enough for that final.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
