dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
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While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
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When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.