my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
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