I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
