Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize