Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow