I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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