I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
21 People Who Barely Escaped Death
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
These 21 Drunks Said The Darndest Things
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.