And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.