Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Drunk is not a location!
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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