Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
