Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Randomize
