i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Ladies don't puke and tell
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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