I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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