You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
