So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
