I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
