I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
