i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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