Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
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