I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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