we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
