i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
