if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Randomize
