70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
