Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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