remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"