The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
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New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
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Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito