What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
We got so high we made milksteak
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
