4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Randomize
