apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Randomize
