how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Randomize
