i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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