Swine flu. Run for my life!
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
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