I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
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I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
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I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
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