im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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