I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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