meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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